Emo rant, because I'm a weak, disgusting person like this.

I don't really know when this got so bad, when it became unhealthy. It seems like there's always been times when I've dwealt on the past far too much. But really, there's not much I can do, because if I don't think about it life is pretty much meaningless, and if I do think about it, it just becomes a far bigger part of me. For all I know, I'll be fine in the morning, but honestly I'm doubting it. Tomorrow will probably be a shitty day made of homework and fail. Even if what she has with him ends sometime relatively soon, for some magical surprise reason, I have no illusions that my chances or getting her back are any good at all. They could be absolutely zero, and I wouldn't know for sure until she eventually had to completely destroy me. She really can't even say that she knows for sure. I really am doubting the value of my own life right now. I know all this shit will be a lot better in the morning, but that means nothing right now. I am so fucking alone. And it's my own fucking fault. I fucking hate myself, though the past self more than the present. I really actually want to go back in time and beat the shit out of the selfish-centered, shortsighted, greedy and fucking stupid little asscunt I was last year. It would be like a school shooting, but I would really only be killing to different versions of myself. Because that's the only person I have to blame for the piece of shit I am at this point. There is nothing of value left to destroy in me. Maybe I ought to just dice myself up bit by bit, starting with my hands. But I know if I hurt myself over this, people would suddenly actually care, for all they act like they don't most of the time. And neither they nor I deserve to have that happen. I can't really blame any of them for what went wrong, because it's all my goddamn fault. FUCK. I know I'm going to have to call her in the morning, or somehting, if I still feel like this. I should have gone to sleep while I still could, because now...FUUUUUUUUUCK. DAMNIT. I am so fucking sorry for fucking everything. I don't even know if I'm as much sorry because of what I did, have done, am doing to her (hell, right now I'm just an annoyance.) as what it's doing to me.

I think I'm getting a bit better now, though. I'll just fall asleep by distracting my animal brain for a while, and tomorrow I can call her and ask: does she care (about me, and this whole fucked up saga that she clearly thinks should have had a happy ending a long time ago) enough to listen to me until I've gotten all the layers out (and am I ready to believe in her and ---- and be unselfish enough to fuck my chances by being an obnoxious clingy ex worming my way into the best-friend-zone); or should I just take my pile of shit somewhere else and get a fucking therapist; I could also just try to put a lid on it and hope it doesn't kill me by the time they break up, if they do; if I really want to have any hope at all, I need to just act more mature and wait for her to outgrow him- and I'm not sure it'll happen soon, if ever. Clearly, though, some degree of honesty will be the best thing to do. I'll just have to see how I feel about it in the morning.

Shit, though. I forgot that I told her to get over me until she said that. What the fuck did I know- even when I said that, it was just a matter of wanting her to be happy! I am a fucking idiot. I am. My emotional intelligence is probably below average, but my sensitivity and such are greater than average. I'm just set up to be royally screwed.

I think I just need to become better at life, because I know I can be- as odd as it may sound, I know I've got the brains, the face, and the talent to do it- Maybe I ought to research whether my corpus collosum is supposed to make me a bit of an assburgers kid or if that's just me being a dumbfuck.

Is there something written somewhere about karma paying back whatever you deserve multiplied by some factor? Because unless I'm underestimating how much she liked me (and this is the biggest question at all that really could mean anything, and gives me so much hope and so much despair- how well does she know how much she's in love?) she never felt this shitty for this long. And she may or may not be one of the best people I know (she probalby is), but was she such a goddamn innocent martyr to the cause of true love that she gets a fucking happily ever after with this guy who's at least as much of an asshole as anyone, who's only a bit above average as someone to talk to, and whose main redeeming quality is that he's fucking smart enough to be utterly devoted to her?

Fuck if I know. Their may be no forces of balance or justice whatsoever, beyond those we make with our own morally directed actions. But even for thinking they're likely enough to be there that I should do something to try and appease them, I'm a bad agnostic, or a very bad atheist.

In summary, I'm an idiot, she's one of the few bits of humanity I've stumbled upon that's never let me down, or maybe I'm just a fool blinded by like/love/infatuation/what ever the FUCK this is. AAAAGH. I don't fucking know anything anymore. For the next few hours, I am alone, whether I like it or not. I think it's best if she doesnt' witness the full extent of my breakdown, though- as much as I hate it, I can't afford to press that close, when chances are it really won't help me. I'll just tell her that I don't think I'm being completely overdramatic, and I'm sorry for being a dramafag- I won't pretend I don't like her anymore, but I'll keep it to myself and try not to complain.