temple in my head

I'm tearing down walls
Of temples in my mind
Though these idols may fall
They are something more than false

A shadow hangs in the corner of my eye
Slowly growing stronger
Feeds on my attention
I cannot look too long

Five generations built this tomb
Raised high the vaults
Straining
Stone by stone, beam by beam
Cut windows, laid floor
Carved and painted sacred scenes long past
Greater and sharper than life

I stand at the crux
Doubting my strength
These halls have fallen into disrepair under those before me
Who squandered their good fortune on wine, women, and hard song
To restore half-forgotten glory
No sure task
Despite how broad and honest I should take it on

But oh!
To destroy
To burn and smash and tear
And, as Aenas, or even Shiva
Start anew. . .
A feat beyond my reckoning.

For there is no catharsis left in this season
No bridges still to burn that would not kill in beauty
Threefold the worth in vanquished ill

So perhaps I'll leave open the doors and the windows
and perhaps I shan't repair the weathered roof
And as so often I used to
I'll go wandering
Through the lands of half-new strangers
'Til I find how long this old dream can still be home

Emo rant, because I'm a weak, disgusting person like this.

I don't really know when this got so bad, when it became unhealthy. It seems like there's always been times when I've dwealt on the past far too much. But really, there's not much I can do, because if I don't think about it life is pretty much meaningless, and if I do think about it, it just becomes a far bigger part of me. For all I know, I'll be fine in the morning, but honestly I'm doubting it. Tomorrow will probably be a shitty day made of homework and fail. Even if what she has with him ends sometime relatively soon, for some magical surprise reason, I have no illusions that my chances or getting her back are any good at all. They could be absolutely zero, and I wouldn't know for sure until she eventually had to completely destroy me. She really can't even say that she knows for sure. I really am doubting the value of my own life right now. I know all this shit will be a lot better in the morning, but that means nothing right now. I am so fucking alone. And it's my own fucking fault. I fucking hate myself, though the past self more than the present. I really actually want to go back in time and beat the shit out of the selfish-centered, shortsighted, greedy and fucking stupid little asscunt I was last year. It would be like a school shooting, but I would really only be killing to different versions of myself. Because that's the only person I have to blame for the piece of shit I am at this point. There is nothing of value left to destroy in me. Maybe I ought to just dice myself up bit by bit, starting with my hands. But I know if I hurt myself over this, people would suddenly actually care, for all they act like they don't most of the time. And neither they nor I deserve to have that happen. I can't really blame any of them for what went wrong, because it's all my goddamn fault. FUCK. I know I'm going to have to call her in the morning, or somehting, if I still feel like this. I should have gone to sleep while I still could, because now...FUUUUUUUUUCK. DAMNIT. I am so fucking sorry for fucking everything. I don't even know if I'm as much sorry because of what I did, have done, am doing to her (hell, right now I'm just an annoyance.) as what it's doing to me.

I think I'm getting a bit better now, though. I'll just fall asleep by distracting my animal brain for a while, and tomorrow I can call her and ask: does she care (about me, and this whole fucked up saga that she clearly thinks should have had a happy ending a long time ago) enough to listen to me until I've gotten all the layers out (and am I ready to believe in her and ---- and be unselfish enough to fuck my chances by being an obnoxious clingy ex worming my way into the best-friend-zone); or should I just take my pile of shit somewhere else and get a fucking therapist; I could also just try to put a lid on it and hope it doesn't kill me by the time they break up, if they do; if I really want to have any hope at all, I need to just act more mature and wait for her to outgrow him- and I'm not sure it'll happen soon, if ever. Clearly, though, some degree of honesty will be the best thing to do. I'll just have to see how I feel about it in the morning.

Shit, though. I forgot that I told her to get over me until she said that. What the fuck did I know- even when I said that, it was just a matter of wanting her to be happy! I am a fucking idiot. I am. My emotional intelligence is probably below average, but my sensitivity and such are greater than average. I'm just set up to be royally screwed.

I think I just need to become better at life, because I know I can be- as odd as it may sound, I know I've got the brains, the face, and the talent to do it- Maybe I ought to research whether my corpus collosum is supposed to make me a bit of an assburgers kid or if that's just me being a dumbfuck.

Is there something written somewhere about karma paying back whatever you deserve multiplied by some factor? Because unless I'm underestimating how much she liked me (and this is the biggest question at all that really could mean anything, and gives me so much hope and so much despair- how well does she know how much she's in love?) she never felt this shitty for this long. And she may or may not be one of the best people I know (she probalby is), but was she such a goddamn innocent martyr to the cause of true love that she gets a fucking happily ever after with this guy who's at least as much of an asshole as anyone, who's only a bit above average as someone to talk to, and whose main redeeming quality is that he's fucking smart enough to be utterly devoted to her?

Fuck if I know. Their may be no forces of balance or justice whatsoever, beyond those we make with our own morally directed actions. But even for thinking they're likely enough to be there that I should do something to try and appease them, I'm a bad agnostic, or a very bad atheist.

In summary, I'm an idiot, she's one of the few bits of humanity I've stumbled upon that's never let me down, or maybe I'm just a fool blinded by like/love/infatuation/what ever the FUCK this is. AAAAGH. I don't fucking know anything anymore. For the next few hours, I am alone, whether I like it or not. I think it's best if she doesnt' witness the full extent of my breakdown, though- as much as I hate it, I can't afford to press that close, when chances are it really won't help me. I'll just tell her that I don't think I'm being completely overdramatic, and I'm sorry for being a dramafag- I won't pretend I don't like her anymore, but I'll keep it to myself and try not to complain.

I've been saving up karma
in a jar
And I just want to know how far I can get
On what I've got

(so it goes)

I used to live in a world of ideals
Which I twisted to suit my animal interior
I invited some friends to join me
But they unravelled me instead

In ways I couldn't see

I used to to think "Shit happens, not much we can do,
just hope hope hope it don't happen to you"
Well I hit the ground screaming like a sellout love song

(Or did I?)

Singing:

Maybe I should try not to be wrong

As the lazy sun crept round the dish oh so slowly
I gave in

I've been saving up karma
in a jar
And I just want to know how far I can get
On what I've got

don't know where I met you, girl
can you tell me your name?

I got up my nerves
And tried to break the curse
Don't know if it's better
But I'm sure it's not worse
Don't want her back so bad

(But I miss miss miss that feeling)

That's about as likely
As all the air in a room deciding at once to go over to the other side
and not letting you breath

(Believe me, it's possible- just not probable)

My back to the future
I hear things working
If gods place dice, girl
Let 'em roll (and oh, do they)

You gotta eat drink smoke chew swallow

"Have a good shit today, baby?"

So then I hear that song again
And it's you and me dancing in the middle of everyone
Not together, but not alone
Maybe I just missed my chance
But only maybe

Is my jar full yet?
I can't tell
If it wasn't before, that's just as well
Because after tonight, it had better be overflowing

Secondhand Skies

In leftover sunshine
Under secondhand skies
I used to walk with this girl
But now she's hiding her eyes
From all of the things
That I've wished we could be
But still I can't help but wonder
If she's thinking of me

She’s got her head in the clouds
And her eyes underground
Won’t believe what she hears
But it’s getting her down

Once in a while she speaks to me
In something more than words
I remember and understand
But I don’t deserve

And she said
“Why did you have to get in the way?”
I’ve been here wide awake for days
The weeks go by and things don’t change
But I sure hope it’s just a phase

She’s got leather and argile
And she’s got moods to match
She can talk so soft
It’s like trying to catch
A radio station
80 miles away
Playing your favourite song
Seven times a day

And all the things that make us
Always talk to our shoes
Will be lying forgotten
At the latest news

And she said:
“Why do you have to get in the way?”
I’ve been here wide awake for days
The weeks go by and things don’t change
But I sure hope it’s just a phase

Ooh, I hope it happens tonight
Ooh, she’s so heavy, she’s so light
Ooh, I hope it happens tonight
Ooh , she’s so heavy, she’s so light

She’s not looking to me
She’s not looking to me
She’s not looking to me
‘Cause she thinks she’s alright

We’ve got smoke in our lungs
And wind in our hair
When we answer the phone
There’s nobody there
Our transistor taxi
Goes out to the shore
And on the way back
Someone's closing the door

Crumpled paper and mixtapes
Saved over a year
Lie gathering dust
Until they disappear
It seems like a lifetime
Since we left this place
But yesterday evening
We were face to face



So she said
“Why did you have to get in the way?”
I’ve been here wide awake for days
The weeks go by and things don’t change
But I sure hope it’s just a phase

Ooh, I hope it happens tonight
Ooh, she’s so heavy, she’s so light
Ooh, I hope it happens tonight
Ooh , she’s so heavy, she’s so light

questions, and where they've led me

so I'm sitting there wondering
when did I stop being good?
when did I become one of those people
the ones who spend their lives
hanging around coffeeshops
or sitting in their pajamas

when did i get down again?
and is there anything less noble
about wanting something
than having what you want?

(or at least what you wanted)

some people fit together so perfectly
they curl around and slip or slide or snap together
like molecules bonding
and as with molecules
you have to break old bonds to

form new

and the subtle attractions between those held fast
and those drifting aimlessly
draw us together in chaos and
push us apart in despair

if I had a god
I would pray to them for love
for that singular belonging

(but I don't)

this bundle of skin, bone and nerves
(which only looks like me in the right light)
is wandering before a desert wind
seeing the other sad shadowy stubble
but never calling out to them
for everyone knows the trees have no tongues

(and the lorrax (if that was his name) is long gone from this place)

I stand at the head of a stone
above a plane as grey as the sky
(is it november already?)

clumps of grass grow before me

but I'm staring at you from too far away
are you moving closer or just standing still?
I try to speak but I sense your callous deafness
And a stiff binding wind holds my tongue tight
tight as my chest as I face the world
more or less alone

perhaps we are both moving at great speed
but the only things beside the road are shadows
who move perpendicular to time

it's like a museum, an art gallery
I can see (and almost live) the charmed hubris of my past
if I just turn my head
it is tainted by the balance

I have birthed this brave new world
and it is my own retribution
how ironic that you were the midwife
it has sapped me of all appeal
and my pale and ragged form
is stooped as an old man

O death, O time
what recompense thou hast ordained
for I who sinned first in greed and second in ignorance

I shall confess me, and hope I have suffered enough
For the likes of all the jeering children.

First Post. Yay.

Well, this shall be short, as the energy that initially inspired me to make a blag and write music has ebbed, and it's nearly two in the morning. I suppose I ought to introduce myself, on the off-chance that someone who actually cares and doesn't know me read this. I'm quite tempted to quote the Rolling Stones (Sympathy for the Devil) (as quoted in V for Vendetta) and say "...I'm a man of wealth and taste..." but that wouldn't be entirely true. I'm nothing that interesting, just another ambitious teenager trying to find some meaning in the confused mess of poetry and math that occupies the space betwixt my ears. I am rather fond of odd and archaic words like "betwixt," by the way. My current favorite is "bumbershoot." It means "umbrella" and I wrote a song using it a few weeks ago.

So basically, my right and left brains are competing for the lion's share of my energy and time, and for the past few years the right has been winning. This hasn't stopped me from doing KAMSC and enough fancy-ass math classes to be taking AP Calc BC as a sophomore. However, I devote far more time to music and playing guitar, and recently bass, than to academics. Which I almost typed as Cacademics/cockademics.

I have a bit of an obsession with penises. Sex in general, actually. I suppose that's not unusual. Lately, though, it's been getting a bit more consuming, as I haven't been having any (Oh no, not that!). So basically I've been lusting for women of all types besides the unnattractively fat, skinny, or old, and pretty men/boys of a narrower range of shapes and sizes.

But damn, wouldn't it be nice to have a cute little scene boy to molest and such. I'm sure most people agree with me, even if they don't admit it.

I enjoy large amounts of coffee and more moderate doses of other psychoactives. Right now, I'm rather tired, but not to the point where I actually want to go to bed.

I just realized I never said my name (it's Evan)

I like things, and most people. I wish there were more of them around.